Getting Back on Track

Hello Everyone.

I know that its been awhile since you've heard from me.  I apologize.  To be honest it has been a rough couple of weeks over here.  When I first started this blog I decided that while I wanted to give a complete picture of my experiences here, I wouldn't blog while emotional.  When you join the Peace Corps, they warn you about the emotional rollar coaster.  They have a nice clean looking graph that shows the ups and downs you'll experience over the next 2 years.  What that graph doesn't quite get across is just how big those downs can be.

So I'll be honest with you all, I haven't quite found my groove here yet.  I came to Gramsh with a lot of ideas and a lot of energy.  While my official title is a TEFL Volunteer, I didn't want to strictly teach English.  What I did want to do is work with the youth of the community to challenge ideas, to teach them their self worth and to help them harness their energy to make a difference in their community.  I wanted to work with women in the community to address gender inequality, advance women's health measures and create a supportive community for young women and mothers.  And I didn't count on it all being so difficult.

After over 50 years under a strict Communist regime, most Albanians don't trust change and new ideas.  This can be difficult to accept as an American.  We are taught from a young age to try new things and to always think outside the box.  We are taught that if we see a problem, we should go out and fix it.  But we are also given an advantage that Albanian's don't have.  We are allowed to fail.  Think about all the times growing up you heard the phrase, "At least he/she/they tried." or how many times your parents told you that you should "Try everything once."  Those sentiments don't translate to Albania.  Here, a person's reputation is the most important thing.  Failing at something would make them the topic of gossip and chatter and in a small town like Gramsh, that can change a person's reputation overnight.  For obvious reasons, this makes people hesitant to challenge the status quo.

The problem is, I have always been a go-getter.  I have always given 100% to whatever I wanted to accomplish.  But this is the first time that it really isn't up to me.  I'm not here to force change onto people.  I'm here to serve the needs of my community.  This has been the hardest thing for me to accept.  Sure I could start a youth council or run a training on equality in the workplace, but if the people aren't involved in the planning and execution of it, it won't last or be successful.

I haven't given up hope that I will achieve my goals here.  But I have decided that I need to change my approach.  I spent the last few days with the rest of the volunteers from my group at our Language Refresher training and talking to them reminded me that while I am here to serve my community, I need to take care of myself as well.  So from now on I'm accepting that thing here happen much slower and that even the small victories should be celebrated.  And avash, avash things will get better.